a queer existence: January 2008

Seven months of city life took a rural turn this year as I packed my bags, tidied my affairs and left Melbourne for Autumn Farm, in rural New Zealand.

"I'm off to the gay farm for the summer", I told my friends, as I skipped out the door.

"Are the animals gay too?", one replied.

"No", I thought. "Probably not."

But you never know.

I determined to answer this question as soon as I arrived at the gay farm.

This year there are three cows at Autumn Farm. Pitching my tent at the edge of their paddock, I proceeded to take notes.

The cows were eating grass.

Several minutes of quiet scientific observation passed.

Finally, I reached the a conclusion: the Autumn Farm cows are not gay. There seems no apparent homosexual interaction between the farm animals at all.

Infact, all three seemed more interested in eating grass than humping each other.

Despondant, and feeling confused at the apparent persistent heterosexuality of the animals living on the gay farm, I turned to an American organisation which advocates change in sexual orientation as a way to achieve "great peace and satisfaction".

The ex-gays at "People Can Change" advise that "[they] have experienced profound change in...[their]...sexual identity, behavior, interests and desires".

Emboldened and inspired by this message of hope, I decided to conduct an inital round of conversion therapy on these apparently 'heterosexual' bovines.

Could they learn to move beyond their pointless heterosexual existence and relearn to love in a homo way? Is it possible to release the inner poofter from a hetero heffer?

Donning my hottest, gayest Aussiebum swimwear and adopting a sexually irresistable pose I begin my therapeutic program.

"Moo" I said as I approached the cows. "Moo moo moo moo moo".

The response was limited to a stare and some more chewing. The cows backed away.

"Moo moo moo", I bellowed, crawling on all fours towards the three quadrapeds. How could these beasts continue to ignore such a wholesome vision of homosexual temptation.

The cows ran.

I was confused. How could these quadrapeds not want the obvious joys of a queer existence? What early life trauma could be holding them back from embracing the good gay life?

I was lost. What can a therapist do when a client abandons therapy?

Thankfully, the one time shirtlifters at People Can Change offer sound advice in such a situation. Apparently, "no one can make anyone else change their sexual orientation against their will, nor do we believe anyone should attempt to force or pressure someone to change who is not intrinsically motivated to do so".

So that's it. Both I and the three cows are disappointed with the failure of my conversion therapy to inspire a shift in their sexual orientation. Nonetheless, I continue to advocate conversion therapy for sexual reorientation for so called 'straights' who suspect the grass is greener on the other side.

If you are struggling with unwanted heterosexual feelings, and would like to live a more fufilling gay life full of the joys of homo humping stop chewing the cud.

Because People Can Change