Today is the Winter Solstice in the southern hemisphere - the shortest day and the longest night.
Today is also the day when a dear friend of mine found out that he has become HIV positive. Shock, disbelief, tears, anger and despair.
As a gay man, HIV has always been part of my life. The generation of gay men before me were largely wiped out by a plague that took lives in their prime and destroyed a community.
Luckily for me, I was born at a time where knowledge of the disease (and how to avoid it) was established and successfully communicated to me before I became sexually active. As such I remain (to date) and intend to remain for the rest of my life, HIV negative.
Despite my successful efforts to keep HIV out of my body, it continues to be present in my life - in my friends, my lovers and my community.
Today, instead of my usual condom, I am wearing a crown of shit.
"Hurt" - words courtesy of Nine Inch Nails
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
"To me, relationships are all about radical honesty, by which I mean not lying to others and not lying to yourself. Particularly not lying about your own needs and emotional state. I think this means growing from a boy into a man, and expressing your emotion in a productive way.
