"Bareback", or "raw", sex is intentional or deliberate unprotected anal intercourse - the conscious rejection of condoms for fucking. Engaging in bareback sex - as a top or a bottom - is the the most common way to for gay men to contract HIV.
The HIV virus is found in semen (spunk), pre-cum and anal musus (the grease that lines your ass). Contact between the mucus membranes of your ass/cock and your partner's cock/ass is the most common way to transmit the HIV virus.
Despite the obvious risks in fucking "raw", according to an article in a scientific journal called "AIDS" (see reference below) Australian HIV negative men are increasingly fucking without condoms, replacing consistent condom use with a strategy called "serosorting".
"Serosorting" is the practice of selecting other HIV negative men for unprotected anal sex, on the understanding that if both partners are HIV negative, both partners are protected. By replacing consistent condom use with all partners, with a strategy of barebacking with partners that they perceive to be 'seroconcordant' (the same HIV status), HIV negative gay men are seemingly making rational choices to reduce risk of HIV transmission.
However, the article goes on to point out that the practice of "serosorting" is "highly problematic" - with men trusting their lives to the honesty of their lovers.
"Honesty" is commonly equated with "not lying". But infact, honest communication is much more complicated that simply telling the truth. Honesty begins with yourself - a deep understanding of your emotions, your needs and your behavior. Being honest with yourself is the foundation of being honest with your friends and lovers. We may think that we are honest with others, but most of us are, to an extent, dishonest with ourselves.
Everyone wants to trust their lover. However, love can lead us to have false confidence in our partner's honesty. People lie. Not only to eachother, but also to themselves.
"Serosorting" is a risky practice because it places undue confidence in our ability to be truthful. Not only in the truth of our HIV status, but also truth in our ongoing sexual relations.
Question: How can you know "the truth" about your sexual behavior if the drugs you are taking when you are having sex alter your perception of reality?
Question: How can you know "the truth" about whether that guy who fucked you last night used a condom if you didn't stop to check that he put it on, that it stayed on, and that it didn't break?
Telling the truth can also be tough if your partner sometimes has trouble listening to the truth.
Question: Can you handle the truth about your partner's sexual behavior, all the time?
Question: Are you able and willing to tell the truth about your sexual behavior all the time?
Question: When someone tells you a truth that your didn't want to hear, do you sometimes reject their truth giving with anger and therefore encourage them to not tell you the truth the next time they have something to say?
Honest communication is vital to reduce the risk of HIV transmission if you are an HIV negative man barebacking with your HIV negative primary partner. If you are in a relationship where communication is sometimes fraught or angry or dishonest - why not try reading about or taking a course in Non-Violent Communication? (see below for reference).
In order to help gay men improve the chances of serosorting with confidence - creating a sexual "playground" that is safe from the risk of HIV transmission - ALL HIV negative men who are having unprotected anal intercourse with other HIV negative men should openly and honesty establish a "Negotiated Safety" agreement.
If you don't make an agreement, you shouldn't be barebacking in your primary relationship. Period.
According to an article from The Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, "there are five conditions that MUST be met in a Negotiated Safety Relationship".
1. The sexual partners are in a on-going primary relationship.
2. The sexual partners are HIV-negative and aware of eachother's HIV status.
3. The sexual partners have reached a clear and unambiguous agreement about the types of sexual behaviors that will be practiced within and outside their relationship.
4. The agreement is that sex outside the relationship is safe with regard to HIV transmission
5. The agreement is kept by all partners.
To these five, I would add two more conditions:
6. If either partner has unprotected sex outside the relationship (or doesn't remember whether the sex was protected because they were too drunk/high on drugs), they must immediately inform their primary partner prior to having sex again. Then they must resume using condoms until subsequent HIV tests prove that the partner who had unprotected sex is still negative. This process takes 3 months.
7. The sexual partners do not take drugs while having sex outside their primary relationship.
The use of drugs (marijuana, alcohol, ecstacy, crystal meth) when having sex reduces our abilty to making sound judgments and rememeber events accurately. Drug use during sex is commonly associated with catching HIV - according to a study published in Sexual Health (see reference below) 62% of men who seroconvert were taking drugs during the sexual event where they caught HIV.
The message is simple - don't fuck on drugs outside your primary partnership if you are barebacking in your primary partnership and plan on staying negative..
In order to help negative men make safe "negotiated safety" agreements, Freedoms, a UK based charity, developed a questionaire that ALL HIV negative gay men who are considering barebacking in their primary relationship should undertake.
Do not rush the process. Take you time. Be honest, and forthright about your needs, expections and emotions. And if you are having any trouble agreeing on any of the issues, take the time to see a sexual health advisor as a couple.
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THE AGREEMENT QUESTIONNARIE: PART ONE
About Us: What sort of couple are we?
If you and your partner are thinking about making an agreement not to use condoms in your relationship, the following questions will help you to work out how well you really know each other:
- How would you describe your relationship?
- In what areas of your lives do either of you have an advantage over the other?
- What has been your past experience of making agreements with eachother?
- How do you usually talk to each other about important things or uncomfortable situations?
- What do you know about eachother's HIV status, drug-taking, and sexual history?
- How well informed are you about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) like gonorrhea, herpes, hepatitis, or HIV?
THE AGREEMENT QUESTIONNARIE: PART TWO
Our Expectations: What do we want from each other?
- Under what circumstances would you consider allowing your partner to have sex with other people in the future?
- What risks are your prepared to take when you have sex with other people?
- What risks do you accept that your partner is allowed to take ? Under what circumstances will you use condoms with other sex partners in the future?
- What will you tell each other about sex outside the relationship?
- How confident are you that you could tell you partner that something has happened that may have exposed you to HIV or other sexually transmitted infections?
THE AGREEMENT QUESTIONNARIE: PART THREE
Practical Steps: How will it work?
If you and your partner are making an agreement not to use condoms in your relationship, there are some practical things you need to agree on. And it's better if you don't just assume that you will agree with eachother. You need to be explicit. Say it out loud to eachother, or write it down if that makes it clearer to both of you.
- Depending on the level of risk you both accept, you will need to consider how often you have HIV tests in the future. Do you both agree with eachother?
- If either of your has sex outside the relationship, you will need to have regular checkups for sexually transmitted infections. Do you both agree with eachother?
- Any agreement you make will increase the need to talk openly about sex and your relationship. Do you both agree with eachother?
THE AGREEMENT QUESTIONNARIE: PART FOUR
What will we do if things go wrong?
Sometimes people do things they didn't plan. So despite your committment to the agreement you are making now, it's possible that in the future you or your partner will have to disclose something that's embarassing or difficult to talk about.
The following questions will help you both be prepared for that eventuality and make it easier for you to admit mistakes.
- How will you tell your partner if you broke the agreement?
- How would you respond if your partner told you he had done something which broke the agreement?
- How would you tell your partner if a condom broke while you were having sex with someone else?
- Relationships change over time, so it's realistic to expect that you will need to consider changing your agreement in the future. If you agree to do that together when the time comes, you're less likely to break the first agreement or to feel that your trust has been betrayed. Setting a time at some point in the future to review your agreement is a good way to make sure it remains a workable agreement. Do you agree?
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Read More:
www.gmfa.org.uk
www.freedoms.org.uk
www.xtribe.net.au
www.thebody.com
Mao L et al. ”Serosorting” in casual anal sex of HIV-negative gay men is noteworthy and is increasing in Sydney, Australia. AIDS 20: 1204-1206, 2006
Wolitski, Richard, PhD. The Emergence of Barebacking Amoung Gay and Bisexual Men in the United States: A Public Health Perspective. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Psychotherapy, Volume 9, Numbers 3/4 2005.
Volk J et al. Risk Factors for HIV seroconversion in homosexual men in Australia. Sexual Health, 2006, 3, 45-51
Centre for Non-Violent Communication: www.cnvc.org
Without Condoms, Unprotected Sex, Gay men & Barebacking. Michael Shernoff.
